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Tuesday, January 21, 2014

My Native American influence

I used to think I was a Native American in a past life.  I often have thoughts that are so passionate and so way out in left field that I would wonder where on earth they came from.  The older I get the worse and frequent the thoughts get.  So what do these thoughts consist of?  Well, I'll tell you.

I yearn to be outside in the middle of nowhere in a tribe-like setting.  I despise technology even though I can understand the benefits and necessity of it (I use it anyway).  I find large crowds, loud people, and big spenders to be very unappealing.  I can't stand shopping centers, parking lots, and places where space is just wasted and land is used up for billions of restaurants and shops.  I am consumed by rage when I see people litter, mistreat the earth, or harm animals.  I look at cars as being unnatural and just wrong.  So wrong.

In other words I'd be more comfortable in my own tribe, living in tee-pees out in the middle of nowhere, and being as far away from civilization as humanly possible.

These feelings are so strong that I sometimes find myself developing anxiety about it.  I become withdrawn, slightly depressed, anxious, and very annoyed with people.  I just hate what this world has turned into.  Especially the United States.

When I have these thoughts I quickly realize that these thoughts aren't completely my own.  I've started to realize that it's not just me having these thoughts.  I'm having them as a result of hearing these thoughts from someone else.  I've heard and felt this anger and distress and longing for so long from two women spirits that they have somehow melted into my own thought patterns and feelings.

I started to notice my two Native American women spirits a few years back.  I call them my grandmothers simply because they are very maternal, very protective, and cluck about in attempts to care for me and my son. They also get very irritated with my husband which results in my emotions going haywire.   I can also feel their blood coursing through mine even though I am not aware of any Native American heritage in my family tree.  I just know that they are my family and I accept that.

They come and go.  They refuse to ride in my car with me.  They get very annoyed when I watch television.  And they hate the computer.  I find them resting peacefully next to my bed when I'm sleeping.  They often help filter dreams for me, trying to keep the nightmares to a minimum.  They follow me when I go outdoors on hikes and frequently whisper for me to seek solitude and to be one with nature.

My grandmothers aren't "ghosts."  They don't walk this earth like you'd expect.  They exist on another level that I call the "Soul Level."  To me that means that they are on a different plane and give off a different feeling than a ghost would.  They moved on long ago and come and go as they please.  They aren't stuck anywhere and they choose to stay with me periodically.  I've grown to love them, to appreciate their insight and kindness, and have somehow morphed into this modern day woman stuck in her grandmothers' "old-world ways."  It's not an easy mindset to live in.

I value my grandmothers and mourn their losses and feel their pain when looking at modern day conveniences as if I lived their pain and misery myself.  It's given me a new appreciation for the beauty the natural world has to offer.  And it's given me hope that one day I can live exactly how I want to live:  out in the country, on a farm, and finally at peace.  Maybe then my grandmothers can be at peace, too.

Thank you for reading my blog.


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