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Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Sam

This is a story I haven't told many people.  It's personal and heartbreaking and could hurt some people.  I was friends with a girl back in middle school and the beginning of high school that passed away at the age of 17.  We didn't hang out regularly right before her death but I remember visiting her at JC Penney where she worked that summer.  We were never on bad terms, we simply just grew apart.  After her death I was so sad.  I was sad for the life she lost, the time she will never have to grow up and be who she was meant to be, and sad that I wasn't a better friend to her when I had the chance.

Over the years I thought of her often.  I also dreamed of her often.  The first time I saw her in my dreams I was about 20 (three years after her passing).  I was doing some mundane task and I looked over and saw her sitting next to me acting like nothing had happened.  She looked slightly stressed and confused but didn't say much.  We sat there in silence until I woke up.

Fast forward to seven long years of Sam popping up in my dreams at least once a month.  Each time I saw her she was desperately trying to find her way, to figure out what had changed, and trying to squeeze herself into her friends' never ending changing lives.  I soon realized that she had no idea she had passed away.  Upon that realization I had many "a-ha moments" where the dreams really started to make sense.  I was the only one that could see or talk to her.  She told me she could only come to me and she didn't understand why that was.  She was full of questions, confusion, and a tremendous amount of anxiety.  I had no idea how to help her.  How do you tell someone you love and care about that she's not alive anymore??

About two years ago my spirit guide, Adam, finally stepped in.  He waited for me to fall asleep and came to me and said that it was time to help her.  He said nothing had worked and this is a dire situation.  She needs to know.  He took me into this large room full of tables that were piled high with books, photo albums, journals, and childhood mementos for thousands of different people.  I heard in my head a soft whisper that said "This is the room of transition."  I immediately understood.  This was where people came to be gently nudged into transitioning into the next phase of the afterlife.

I looked all around me and saw several other people full of angst and heart break and this awful need to know all the answers they hadn't been given.  Then I saw Samantha.  She looked up from a journal she was reading and smiled at me.  I walked to her and sat down.  I smiled, held her hand, and felt Adam and my grandfather both put their hands on my shoulders.  Through their guidance I quietly handed Sam each book, turned each page, and showed each picture that was crucial to her finding her answers.  As she started to look back on the life she had she eventually came to terms with the fact that her past life is in the past and that it was time to move on.  The second she realized she had died her face contorted into first sadness and grief but then transformed into the most relieved smile I had ever seen.  She finally understood, she finally accepted, and she was ready to move on.

She hugged me and I was told by Adam that it was time for me to go.  I walked out happy for her breakthrough but sad because I was sure it was the last time I would see her lovely face.  Several weeks later she came to me one last time in my dreams.  It was to attend her going away party; her big send off.  We were in a candlelit room with streamers and balloons and lots of green and purple and pink everywhere.  There was a long wooden table with about ten chairs on each side.  Samantha sat at the head of the table and gestured for me to sit down.  I sat down next to two other girls I went to school with who were also close friends with Sam.  We ate and drank, she blew out candles on a cake, and then she spent her last moments telling each and every one of us how much we meant to her and how much she loves us.  We all responded with apologies for past mistakes and words of love.  Then she stood and hugged each one of us.  As she hugged me tightly she whispered a soft "Thank you" into my ear.  Then she walked through the double doors to start her new life.

I haven't seen her since.  I frequently wonder how she is and what she's been up to.  I've even been tempted a few times to make contact but then I scold myself for being so selfish.  She spent enough time stuck in the past.  I have no right to drag her back here even for a second.  I had to let her go.

About six months ago I was cleaning my bedroom and heard a voice tell me to go to my bookshelf where I keep all of my journals from high school.  I grabbed one at "random" and it opened up to the page where I had glued the newspaper article discussing Samantha's death.  Out fell a slip of paper that I forgot I had kept that had her handwriting on it from a school project we had done together in 9th grade.  I felt such a swell of emotions and so much love that I knew she comes back in her own way from time to time.  It also told me she knows I think of her and that she's doing just fine.  That alone makes me so happy I just can't stand it.

Thank you for reading my blog.

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