Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Another Life Changing Dream

I had a dream about my son recently that was what I know deep down I needed.  It was painful and scary and awful but it was necessary.  It's no secret that my son has a hard time with every day normal life.  He has some special needs that require I stay home with him all day every day.  I even homeschool him.  We have moments where our life is calm and great.  But the majority of the time our life is stressful, full of panic attacks and meltdowns, and frustrations.  My son's anxiety and other issues keep us from leaving the house a lot because his panic attacks, OCD, and fear of change can be crippling.  He becomes so angry that he often lashes out at me and says incredibly hurtful things.  But you know what, I still love him.

I really do love him.  More than anything else in the entire universe; and I tell him so every day. BUT he drives me insane.  I'm only human.  I hate admitting that I sometimes lose my temper and yell back.  That I get so blinded by my own frustrations and anger that I lose my sympathetic side and simply won't listen and send him to his room.  I always regret it when I do it but I tell myself that I'm allowed mistakes on occasion.  I'm not perfect but I do the best I can in a very difficult situation.

Lately we've been having an especially overwhelming time what with us re-starting school, trying to do a little sight seeing where we live, and just pure exhaustion from never having the help we really could benefit from.  I've been going to bed sad, exhausted, and just so frustrated that I toss and turn all night.  Last night, after an extremely hard day, I asked my guides for some help.  I was losing the compassion I held on to for so long and I needed help to pull that back to me so that I can keep it front and center.  I simply said "Please help me become a better mother."

Within an hour I was dreaming a very lucid dream: the ones I know have deep meaning and that I need to pay attention to.  It was made clear immediately that I was separated from my family by force to work for some sort of militant type group.  I worked directly under some officer and I had no idea where my son or husband were.  I was hysterical, to say the least.  Eventually, my boss told me we were going to visit a children's home and that I would have the weekend off after that.

We walk into the children's home late at night and I see my son standing there.  I fell to my knees and cried as I looked at him and realized it had been at least a year since I had seen him last.  He looked so much older.  He saw me and he started crying too.  I wasn't allowed to go to him so I just stood there staring at him; longing to hug him and talk to him and never let him go.  I looked at my boss and begged "Please let me take him home.  Just for this weekend."  I pleaded and begged some more until he finally agreed.  "Just for this weekend," he said.  I nodded and was finally permitted to go to my son.  I hugged him and told him how much I loved him. I told him he was going to go home with me.  He nodded and looked happy, yet he also seemed guarded and unsure.  I could tell he knew we would be separated once more and it seemed he didn't want to go through that again.  Luckily, though, he agreed to leave with me.

Once we were alone I asked him if he knew where his dad was and if he'd seen him.  He said yes and produced a tiny worn piece of paper that had a phone number scribbled on it in my husband's handwriting.  I found a payphone and called the number.  My husband answered in a hushed voice and I began speaking to him quickly and urgently.  I told him where we were and asked him if he was near.  He was.  He agreed to meet with us at full dark in an abandoned house that was nearby.

We snuck around, broke into that house, and eventually my husband walked through the door.  We all embraced and cried some more.  We were together again at last and then the reality sunk in that our togetherness would be over in 48 hours.  I looked to my son (who seemed to have mentally aged into an adult) and my husband and asked them what they wanted to do.  My son's face hardened and said "I can't go back there.  We need to run away."  My husband and I agreed and with haste we concocted a plan to escape that night.  We weren't due back for 48 hours so we knew we had plenty of time to get away.  We decided to leave the country and never look back.  I woke up just as we were running through the woods hand in hand toward the vehicle that was going to take us far away.

When I woke up I remembered being in that halfway state of consciousness where I was feeling the emotions as they were happening.  I remember being so anxious and upset and I still had the adrenaline coursing through me.  But the biggest thing that stuck with me was how deeply I was affected by the entire situation and how traumatized I was by not being able to see my son.  It solidified how strong that bond was, how intense my love was for him, and how I would protect him no matter what harm came to me.  I needed that so much.  I never doubted my love for my child but I do sometimes need that reminder of how much I would do to protect and care for him; to make sure every need of his is met.  I'm a mama bear after all...

I quickly thanked my guides for this reminder.  They saw me dealing with the emotional roller coaster that is our lives and they knew I needed that experience to snap me back to the mindset that I usually have which is "I will do anything for my child.  All the pain and hardships are worth it because he is the most important person to me.  Without a doubt."

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I love my dreams so much.  They kick me in the ass when I need it most and I will always be grateful for it.

Thank you for reading my blog.


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