Saturday, December 19, 2015

Lotus Lunation

This past year has been a year of ups and downs and inner confusion for myself. I have always struggled with that annoying question of "What should I do for a living?" I'm sure you've even read a few blog posts I've written on that very subject! The reality is that I am in the position where I don't have to necessarily choose what I want to be when I "grow up." I will never be in the position to have the opportunity to work full time, work in an office, and be a true professional career woman. It's just not in my cards; I have to be a mother first. I'm ok with that. But despite my limitations, I still have passion, drive, and the want to help others through my bizarre talents.
I've made many failed and half-assed attempts to create a somewhat professional life amidst all of my chaos. I've had Luna Healings for years and it was mildly successful but it was never quite what I wanted. My rescue is incredibly successful but it's not quite what I've wanted to do professionally, either. I've taken many courses and read many books to broaden my knowledge and to quench that thirst for something more. I became a Shamanic Practitioner and a Certified Veterinary Assistant in the process. I've even grown more as a psychic medium and healer, which I love. I have always grasped and struggled and searched for that perfect blend and idea that allowed me to consolidate my two loves: my spiritual work and animals. It has never been an easy task. Until now.
I've spent this entire year (Yes, ALL of 2015) praying, meditating, studying, and planning to figure out just what I really want in life and how I wanted to implement it. I was no longer looking to make money, exactly. I was looking for an outlet to share my knowledge, help others, and truly work with animals on the deeper level I know I'm capable of. Tarot card readings are fun and all, but my heart is more into actually helping others improve their lives and grow and to helping animals. ANIMALS most of all. I could never turn my back on people so I had to figure out how to do both without making myself look bipolar (which I probably have already done on countless occasions).
You see, it is a burden in a way to have so many interests and passions. Because when you do, you risk the chance of looking crazy and indecisive. Not to mention, you're almost forced to choose which one you wish to put the most energy into. How the heck do you choose just one thing? In my case, I simply cannot. I love what I do. My abilities (unorthodox and bizarre to most) are true gifts in my opinion. Whether you believe in them or not, you can't deny they don't help people. I've seen it time and time again. I would never stop helping others and putting myself out there even if it means I will look insane in the process. Sorry, it's just not who I am.
I've never really told others that I am able to communicate with animals. It's not something people are truly comfortable with. They may believe I can talk to spirits, but animals? Nope, that's too far fetched. I've been able to feel animals' emotions, physical pain, and pick up on their thought patterns since I was a child. I never understood it until I was much older, and even still I rationalized it away. The longer I've worked in animal rescue, though, the harder it is to ignore. My goodness, is this gift a heavy burden to bear. It hurts me to my deepest core and then to have to walk away from the animal without being given the chance to help is soul shattering. You just have no idea. I've had to deal with the anger, frustration, and heart break that goes with this gift my entire life. Despite the pain, I've made every effort these past twelve months to further grow and learn and expand on this particular ability and am ready to share it with others. I HAVE to. If not for myself, then for the animals. They have no voice. I have no choice but to be their voice. I wasn't really given an option, in all truth.
But I digress... This post is my way of finally explaining why I have been a total mess these past few years. Why I have been all over the place, indecisive, and just a hot mess. It takes a lot of time, patience, and energy to sort out all those passions, emotions, and abilities and to regroup them into something mildly sane. Somehow, some way, I finally was able to do just that. I have deleted my Luna Healings website because it simply doesn't represent me anymore. I have worked hard on my new site. I have rebranded, in a way, and really created something I am proud of and will never be ashamed to say is my own. Yes, I may be weird to a lot of people. Yes, I will proudly admit that I communicate with spirits and animals and can do all sorts of unorthodox (but really cool) things. I'm ready to be at peace and in the position to focus on this one endeavor that allows me to do all the things I want to do in a professional and compassionate way.
It is not intended to be my full time job. I already have one of those (being a mom is definitely one!). This endeavor is my love child. It is my way of expression and my way of helping every being I possibly can. I'm so proud of it I could burst. I hope you will do me the honor of checking out my site, "Liking" my new FB page (under Lotus Lunation), starting a conversation with me where you feel comfortable with asking me any questions without judgement, and telling others about me that may need some help on this hard journey we call "life." Not everyone is given the clarity and gift of realizing their true purpose in life; their calling. I feel incredibly lucky to be one of those people and it feels fabulous.

Thank you for reading my blog.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Raising a Difficult Child

My life is hard.  Like really hard.  On top of living in a foreign country without family and friends, I am raising (and home schooling) a child who has special needs without any relief or outside support.  Because of my son's special needs I find myself dealing with daily tantrums, regular flip-outs over the most bizarre and mundane things, and embarrassingly enough, screaming matches.  Yes, I have screaming matches with my seven year old child.  Yes, I know it's wrong.  Yes, I am consumed with relentless guilt and vow to stop each time.  I am no saint.  I'm only human.  A person can only take so much and when I know my child is purposely saying hateful things to get under my skin (hello, Oppositional Defiance Disorder!) I sometimes have difficulty not reacting.

Most days I offer nothing but unconditional love.  I mean, I spend every waking moment with my kid.  I gave up everything to stay home with him and teach him since traditional school was doing more harm than good.  I tell him every day repeatedly how much I love him.  I try to cuddle with him, hug him, and kiss him on his head even though I'm shoved away and told "no" each time.  My entire life revolves around my child because it has to.  Unfortunately, my son doesn't like me very much and enjoys telling me so on a daily basis.  Sigh.  Kids, am I right?

This is full truth time.  I make no effort, in this moment, to hide the fact that I'm struggling.  It's difficult to raise a child who hates you and doesn't want you around.  It's not easy to deal with such anxiety, tantrums, and freak outs each and every day.  I am envious of these people who seem to have these picture perfect children who are just so happy with life and love their parents so, so much.  Sometimes I ask my guides and god "Why wasn't I given a happier child?  An easier child?  Hell, a child that loves me as much as I love them?"  Why, indeed.

On good days I am able to come to terms with the card I've been dealt.  I am fully aware that with my struggles my son is struggling even more.  I am able to see clearly and know that this life is hard for him and I was put here to be his mother because I have it in me to give him what he needs.  I was meant for this.  On bad days, when I'm yelling back and acting out of anger and am so consumed with despair that I can't think straight, I have trouble remembering all those reasons and instead am finding myself filling up with rage and resentment.  It's in those moments that I am mentally throwing the middle finger up to all those "perfect families", the moms who don't deal with such struggles, and well, at life in general.  And boy do I wave that mental middle finger long and proud!

Today, I am having one of those bad days.  It started off really well.  Then *BAM* the tantrums and hateful words came out of nowhere.  Everything was my fault and no matter what I did or said I was only screamed at more.  So what did I do?  I snapped.  I yelled, I took privileges away, I sent him to his room and threatened to put him back in regular school if he didn't stop acting so awful.  Within seconds of being done with my outburst I was racked with regret.  And disappointment.  Good lord was I disappointed in myself.  I am a grown woman.  I should know better.  Then this voice in my head crept up and quietly said "You're human.  You're full of faults and that's ok.  No one is perfect."  It didn't make me feel much better but I could hear the truth in those words.

My goal recently has been to find my own inner peace.  It's crucial for my sanity and for my family's well being.  I've been searching for my inner zen that I can grasp at when I'm having an especially hard time.  A few weeks ago I discovered a little bit of that peace when we were on our evening walk.  My son was screaming and freaking out about god knows what and I stopped in the middle of the road in my village and closed my eyes.  I began taking deep breaths and relaxed my entire body and quickly found myself in this deep meditative state that I love where there's nothing in my brain; just darkness and silence.  It was glorious.  My son was screaming and tugging on my arm and repeatedly yelling "Mom. Mom. MOM!" But I continued for a few seconds longer knowing that there were no cars around us and that my son was fine.  He could wait a bit longer.  When I finally opened my eyes I felt better.  I calmly started walking again and maintained that sense of peace until I got home.  It was magical.  Unfortunately, the meditating doesn't always work so I've been actively looking for other ways to find inner peace.  The harder I work at it the more I believe I will be able to control my outbursts in the future and also become a better person and mother as a result.

I don't have a full plan on how to obtain this peace but I'm getting there.  I'm meditating twice a day.  I'm reading good books in the evenings and exercising in the mornings.  I'm trying to refrain from speaking negatively and trying to let my compassionate side really shine.  This website had some great tips I'm trying to put to use as well:

I clearly do not have life figured out just yet.  And I obviously have a lot of work to do as a parent and as a human being.  The point of this post was to vent a bit, yes, but to also show the truth behind my struggles because I believe we all go through them (big and small) and that should bring us closer together.  We shouldn't judge, we shouldn't tell others what to do.  We should encourage, be supportive, and simply seek to understand.  Every day is a new day, and despite the fact that my life isn't easy, I will never give up on trying to better myself and to help my child each and every day.  Even when he's driving me mad...

Thank you for reading my blog.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

The Suicide Debate

A friend of my sister recently committed suicide.  It was completely unexpected; no one was aware of her struggles.  After she passed away, my sister was left feeling very guilty for not picking up on her depression and suicidal thoughts.  I know it was something that was weighing really heavy on her and luckily her friend gave her an unmistakable sign from the afterlife.  That clear sign gave my sister the reassurance she needed for so many reasons.  Then, a week or two later, my other sister had a dream where she connected with our sister's friend and was able to deliver the message her deceased friend had.  I found that incredible, heart warming, and just plain awesome.

There has been a huge debate among mediums, Christians, and others regarding what happens to our souls in the case of suicide.  Most Christians believe you go straight to hell.  A lot of Mediums believe you aren't given entry into the afterlife; you show up only to be turned away and forced to have a "do over" of sorts back on earth.  The majority of people I've spoken with believe that when a person takes their own life they do not go to heaven; that they are doomed.

I highly disagree.

I've been at some really low points in my life.  I've even been so low, so depressed, that I've contemplated suicide.  I was lucky to be able to claw my way back out of such a deep depression but a lot of people aren't.  The one thing I've never forgotten was the feelings of utter despair and helplessness I had during those dark times.  I wanted to feel better but my brain simply said no.  I saw no hope for the future and genuinely believed the world was better without me in it.  It was terrible, to say the least.  The thing is, I believe my depression was minuscule compared to what others feel and experience.  

I can't say that I completely understand suicide or what a person is feeling to be at that point of no return.  But I can empathize so much.  I think of people who have a genuine mental illness or severe chronic depression that just will never go away.  They have no control over their own brains and feelings.  I think of people who go through awful abuse, rape, and/or loss in their life and I can totally understand that their feelings can be so all consuming and heart breaking that there is no hope in their eyes.  That's why I don't believe they are punished for taking their lives.  Sometimes people just can't take the heart ache anymore.  I honestly can't judge them for that, and you shouldn't either.

I refuse to believe that any loving God would punish anyone for waving their own white flag and saying "I give up!" after they've been dealt a really bad hand at life.  Love is love.  Forgiveness is forgiveness.  If a murderer or rapist who repents can be welcomed into heaven why can't a person who took their own life due to a plethora of reasons?

When I hear a medium say that a person's spirit isn't granted entry into the after life due to suicide I try not to argue (it's their own opinion, after all).  But I can't help but wonder if that's just them allowing their own religious opinions blur their own sight and abilities.  I've seen spirits who passed on in this way.  They are given the chance they deserve; the chance to finally be at peace and be happy.  I found my sister's own friend's attempts to reach out to show that she is doing wonderfully even more reassuring.  No matter who you are, we are ALL given a chance at peace and happiness in the afterlife.  There's no better feeling than knowing that.

Remember, none of us have all the answers.  Even mediums!  The beauty of life is that we are just winging it and have to have faith.  I'm pretty OK with that.

Thank you for reading my blog.