Monday, January 4, 2016

Searching For Meaning In This Crazy World

I'm just going to say it.  Life is hard.  Like really, super, incredibly hard.  First we have to survive our pre-teen/teenage years, which is no picnic, let me tell you.  Then you have to decide what to do with your life.  For some people, that's an easy task.  For me?  Yeah, not so much.  After being forced to make that huge decision, we are forced to start adulting; as in, living in the real world with real grown up problems.  You go through relationships, maybe a marriage (or five, depending on who you are), have kids, watch people die, experience tragedies that you never even thought existed, and then eventually are faced with your own demise.  Not to get all morbid on you, but that's what we all have to face as we age.  Who would enjoy that?  Maybe a sadist, but not me.

I survived the teen years, am still on my first marriage, have one child, and am slowly starting to make my dreams become a reality (there's still so much that I want to do!).  I've experienced a lot of loss in my short 31 years of life (including people I was extremely close to).  I've even had my own spiritual awakening which has helped me in every way possible.  I have been sitting pretty for the most part.  I feel very lucky in that regard.  Despite all that, melancholy can kick in at any time.  Life has a way of exposing some really dark and depressing things and will burst any little bubble I was floating around in.  It's so unfair.

Living in Germany has allowed me to see my home country as an outsider.  I have been given this incredible chance to see my country and culture from an outsider's perspective.  Boy is it ugly.  Some of it is humorous like how Europeans think Americans are very loud, rude, and dress poorly.  I sort of dig that, because it's sort of true in an endearing way.  But I'm also seeing how messed up our government is, how appalling the food regulations are, and how VIOLENT the U.S. is.  So much so that I don't ever want to go back.  And you'd be surprised to know that a lot of other Americans living overseas feel the same.  The U.S. is a scary place to an outsider; even one who grew up there.  I've lost a lot of love for America which depresses the heck out of me.

But my disillusionment of the United States isn't all that makes my heart hurt.  It's the sheer ugliness in the world as a whole.  So many people die daily.  And I'm not talking about cancer or old age.  I'm talking violent and horrific deaths.  People are raped, murdered, enslaved, tortured, you name it, each and every day.  To think about people (children especially) often being forced to die feeling such an enormous amount of terror beforehand rips my heart in two.  And don't even get me started on animals!!  These harsh truths make me angry, depressed, and I lose hope.  I question so many things when I allow myself to descent into such a dark hole; a hole no one should really delve in to.

I question why we are even on earth in the first place.  I question god, my spirituality, and life in general.  Why do we have to experience such horrors and hate and unhappiness?  Does anyone really deserve to experience such atrocities?  It's infuriating and confusing!

I am always looking for those answers and for the true meaning of life.  I am starting to accept the fact that I will never have all the answers.  None of us will.  Life is full of ugliness.  But it's also full of a tremendous amount of beauty.  So much so, that it can often move me to tears without even trying.  Even in my most darkest days, I am able to crawl out of my dreary attitude and acknowledge that part of living IS dying.  With happiness comes unhappiness.  The entire living experience will have its fair share of emotions ranging from pure joy to absolute terror.  Some of us are lucky enough to not experience horrifying things, but even if we do, it's sort of what life entails in a sick twisted way.  We don't get to choose, unfortunately.  I've come to terms with the fact that while I can't choose some things, I CAN choose to live life focusing on the negatives that life has to offer OR  I can have faith.  Faith that there is a purpose to all of this craziness.  Faith that with the bad will come the good.  The really good.  I have to have faith that everything will work out in the end.

The funny thing is, I've seen glimpses into the afterlife.  I have SEEN what lies ahead for all of us.  Even with such proof, I am prone to question things.  I guess it's all just part of the process of living as an imperfect human being.

Thank you for reading my blog.


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